Black Women Denied Her Right to Vote

Racist Republicans in Tennessee have their first success with the new “Voter ID” requirement: A 96-year-old black lady who has voted in all but one election (in 1960) that she was legally eligible to vote in has been denied the right to take part in democracy. Why? Oh, just some piece of missing paperwork. That’s the point of “Voter ID,” to stop people you don’t want voting — the poor, minorities, take your pick! — on a technicality. This is how so many black Americans were denied the vote in the South for a hundred years after being “emancipated.”


Dorothy Cooper, who worked her whole life as a housemaid, went down to see the authorities because she’d heard Tennessee’s racist new law would require a pile of documents for those who tried to vote in the future. And she was denied a Voter ID by a clerk at the counter, just as planned by the evil legislators who approved the law:

That morning, Cooper slipped a rent receipt, a copy of her lease, her voter registration card and her birth certificate into a Manila envelope. Typewritten on the birth certificate was her maiden name, Dorothy Alexander.
“But I didn’t have my marriage certificate,” Cooper said Tuesday afternoon, and that was the reason the clerk said she was denied a free voter ID at the Cherokee Boulevard Driver Service Center.
“I don’t know what difference it makes,” Cooper said.

I know what difference it makes. Dorothy Cooper is African-American.

Dumb GOP Politician Still Has No Idea How America Works

Alabama is just the latest backwards state to legally codify its crusader witch hunt against the illegal immigrant wizards working their back-breaking field labor black magick on Alabama’s giant agriculture industry, but the state’s recently-enacted set of draconian worst-ever anti-immigrant laws are working a little too fast: zillions of Alabama tomatoes are rotting away in the fields this harvest season as undocumented immigrants flee like hell. Tomato farmers got together to protest these vicious dingus laws and make GOP state senator Scott Beason — the same creepy racist turd blossom who called African Americans “aborigines” — haul around one of the tomato buckets for five seconds to see how heavy they are. Beason felt he was too good for this and refused to pick it up, which is…hey, exactly like every other legal worker in Alabama!
The AP has the details of the Tomato Bucket Incident:

Tomato farmer Brian Cash said the migrant workers who would normally be on Chandler Mountain have gone to other states with less restrictive laws.
After talking with famers at the tomato shed, Beason visited the Smith family’s farm. Leroy Smith, Chad Smith’s father, challenged the senator to pick a bucket full of tomatoes and experience the labor-intensive work.
Beason declined but promised to see what could be done to help farmers while still trying to keep illegal immigrants out of Alabama.
Smith threw down the bucket he offered Beason and said, “There, I figured it would be like that.”

Oh well, at least Alabama and Scott Beason got to make their Important Point, about being dicks.

50% of Republicans Don't Know What GOP Stands For

It’s time for the greatest scientific barometer of America’s intellect, the Vanity Fair/CBS News poll of dingbat potpourri questions thrown at a representative sample of Americans who haven’t had their phone lines turned off by Verizon yet. What did our pollsters ask this time? To be weird, instead of asking a series of completely random questions, they focused on “Things Republicans Don’t Know.” For example, you’d think Republicans might know what “GOP” stands for, as they’ve all got those “GOProud” stickers on their repo’d Ford Expeditions. But they have no idea, and most probably pronounce it as a monosyllabic grunt, to ask for another microwaved styrofoam plate of CostCo “rib-meat bitelets.” This may be the best survey of America yet!


Republicans also can’t keep track of who we’re supposed to HATE, because it’s so confusing since Reagan and Bin Laden tricked the Soviets into going to Afghanistan, to die as an empire, just like we did these last 10 years. So, to be safe, most Republicans still want to nuke the Soviets and also see Saudi Arabia as an actual Enemy of America that we are having wars against, even though the Holy Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is George W. Bush and Dick Cheney’s favorite ally in the War Against Muslims. The way Republicans see the world, you’d think Saudi Arabian terrorists successfully attacked New York and the Pentagon and totally terrorized the whole country into submission! (Oh wait ….)
From the Vanity Fair press release:

ALMOST HALF OF REPUBLICANS THINK BOTH RUSSIA AND
SAUDI ARABIA ARE ENEMIES
LAS VEGAS CONSIDERED THE MOST DECADENT CITY IN THE U.S.
JUST MORE THAN HALF OF REPUBLICANS KNOW WHAT “G.O.P.” STANDS FOR
Just more than half of Republicans (51 percent) and 45 percent of Americans overall correctly identify the meaning of “G.O.P.” as Grand Old Party. The second most popular choice, with 35 percent of the overall vote, was “Government of the People.” “Grumpy Old People” received 7 percent of the vote, “God’s Own Party” 3 percent, and 1 percent thought the abbreviation stood for “Gauntlet of Power.”

Okay, unfair, survey people! You are not allowed to just make shit up because of course a fraction of people will say “Yep that sounds right” no matter what you say. Unfair. Uncool.

Bake Sale Proves Republicans are Annoying

UC Berkeley College Republicans (newsflash: they have those!) want to make a serious point about how affirmative action is racist against white males, which they will accomplish by holding a bake sale that is racist against everyone else. Brilliant populism! The backdrop for this is a law proposed by California governor Jerry Brown that would allow state colleges to consider race and gender in applications, which in the reduced terms of a harebrained GOP student bake sale demonstration of “why this is bad” means that white male snack fiends have to pay $2 per cupcake, and everybody else pays a few quarters less for a baked good according to a randomly assigned scale of “this is how much less than a white guy you are worth.” Who can refute that kind of mathematical argument?
Asian-Americans? $1.50. Latinos? $1.00. Black people, oh, they are very cheap compared to white guys, they only pay $0.75. Ladies are worth 25 cents less than men across the board. Moral of the story: find the black ladies on campus, hippies! They will buy you cheap snacks.
From CNN:

“We agree that the event is inherently racist, but that is the point,” [Berkeley College Republican] President Shawn Lewis wrote in response to upheaval over the bake sale. “It is no more racist than giving an individual an advantage in college admissions based solely on their race (or) gender.”

Yes, eight black women are worth one white guy, is what they are trying to say, which is racist against white guys. UNASSAILABLE LOGIC.

Further Proof that the GOP are all Bigots

The cranky, fearful Republican Orcs of Broward County, Florida heard there was a MUSLIM, yes that’s a right a MUSLIM trying to join their little treehouse club of dingbats with the bizarre explanation that he, too, was a Republican. Forsooth, evil terrorist? Their childish response was to immediately change all the rules for club entry and subject the Muslim candidate for election to the party’s executive committee, Nezar Hamze, to a barrage of questions and accusations and screaming outbursts before telling him to get lost.
There is not a single part of this article that is not seething with the racist hatred and intolerance of the Florida teabagger, but perhaps here is a representative section:

Republicans, who changed their rules to publicly vet Nezar Hamze and then vote on his application by secret ballot, said they didn’t oppose him because he was a Muslim – but because he is associated with the Center for American-Islamic Relations, whose Washington-area affiliate was an unindicted co-conspirator in a federal terrorism indictment.
Hamze, CAIR’s South Florida director, said his local group had nothing to do with the suspect activities in Washington. He said CAIR advocates for civil rights for Muslims, who have been unfairly targeted ever since 9/11.
“I’m aligned with Republican values. And I want to serve the party,” Hamze said, who earlier told a reporter that any effort to block him was the result of anti-Islamic “bigotry.”
At times, when he addressed the packed room at the Sheraton Suites in Fort Lauderdale, a few members shouted out among the crowd of about 300.
“Terrorist!” said one man.
“Let him speak!” said another.
Members of Broward’s Republican Party said Hamze was making a mockery of their rules and was trying to become a member as a publicity stunt.
“I don’t have a positive impression of Mr. Hamze. I don’t think he will be an asset to our party,” said Scott Spages, who is involved in programs concerning radical Islam at his church, Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale.

And then they voted to exclude him 11-158 and America was saved from the terrible fate of diversity once more.

Link

More GOP Hypocrisy....Sigh

Hoo-wee, Michele Bachmann is back in Waterloo, Iowa where she was hatched, spouting as usual just “the complete opposite of whatever is actually the case in reality.” So what this time? Bachmann rambled a righteous yarn about the devilry and downfall of government spending and regulation Monday as she stood promising growth in front of a booming traffic-signal factory, one that is just doing really super well for itself because of the surge in infrastructure repair projects, which, oh hey, who pays for infrastructure projects? Who knows, probably the mystery billionaire fairy nymphs that go around financing public works projects when government red tape isn’t tangled in their wings. Whoever they are, Michele Bachmann is on their team to save this factory (that, again, is doing well despite the downturn).
The company that owns the factory, OMJC, receives about 80% of its revenues from the government, and the company’s chief executive told this to Bachmann. Her response, from the LA Times:

[OMJC CEO Alan] Yost, a conservative Republican, took pains not to spoil Bachmann’s event, playing down his company’s reliance on government spending in a conversation with the candidate.
“So you don’t get a government grant to do what you do?” she asked him.
No grants, he assured her. “I wish I could say we had great success in government funds, because everybody likes a handout,” he said.

“Oh oh oh, so you get government money. Just as long as you aren’t getting a government grant. We’re cool.” It’s from the book called How To Speak Republican, children!

GOP Trying to Secure Racist Vote

The GOP is of course known generally as the “pro-genocide party” when it comes to illegal immigrants, but the field of GOP presidential candidates appears to be worried that America’s dim racist slobs have not been able to connect them enough with this platform. “Hey,” the Racist Slob Empire of Arizona whispered, “we’ve got a guy for that.” Cue Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the deranged sociopath who builds sprawling desert concentration camps where he tortures other human beings for their failure to be white. GREAT. GOD. This guy, he is the GOP presidential field’s new boyfriend.
OR, should I say, they would all like to be his boyfriend, but hottest-girl-at-the-prom Joe Arpaio is still holding out.

From AP:

“They’re all calling him,” [Arpaio campaign manager Chad] Willems said, adding that Arpaio will take his time on deciding on making an endorsement. “They’re all in a hurry of course.”

In the meantime, Arpaio will brag about being a GOP slut, on Twitter. The Latino voters, they will love this!

Sarah Palin Polls Well with Black Men...

WOAH HO HO! America’s newspaper of record The National Enquirer has a DEF-CON 4 WORLD EXCLUSIVE scoop: Sarah Palin had sex with a black guy, once, in the late 80s, right before she got married! THE CRAZY PART: Todd Palin, he is not black! Sarah Palin had sex with someone who is not Todd Palin! Todd Palin, he is also not Glen Rice, the famous NBA basketball star who says he had sex with Sarah Palin in 1987. Todd Palin, no one wants to have sex with him! Why wasn’t Todd Palin black enough for Sarah, in 1987? Reagan was president in 1987. This is Reagan’s fault, this entire story, this entire post, just like Reagan is to blame for everything that is unholy and decrepit and crumbling in America.


UGH. Seriously, stop reading. Stop reading this. STOP. STOP NOW, SAVE YOURSELVES, TURN OFF THE INTERNET:

Publishing sources familiar with the contents of author Joe McGinniss’ highly-anticipated book “The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin” have revealed shocking secrets that will impact her decision to enter the 2012 presidential race.
In the book, which will be published on September 20^th, McGinniss claims Sarah had a steamy interracial hookup with basketball stud GLEN RICE less than a year before she eloped with her husband Todd.
Sarah hooked up with the NBA great, then a 6-foot-8 junior at the University of Michigan when he was playing in a college basketball tournament in Alaska in 1987, the book says. At the time, Sarah, just out of college, was working as a sports reporter for the Anchorage TV station KTUU.

This is somehow “revenge” for all those times Todd Palin was going around bonking prostitutes after they were married. That’s how good Sarah Palin is at revenge. PREEMPTIVE STRIKES, THEY DO NOT FAIL.

Tennis Is For Fancies Only.

Our FLOTUS has decided to get back to “business,” which means she is once again shoving things like fitness and exercise down the throats of America’s children, in between all the nachos and gravy that are already down there. Last Friday, Michelle Obama went to something called the “SmashZone” during the elitist tennis party known as The US Open to talk about tennis and smashing things, which just goes to show how dangerous this Let’s Move! thing is for our country and our delicate (and obese) children. Our FLOTUS spent some time talking about her love of tennis, before playing the sport with actual professional tennis players. We are guessing she managed to beat them all by distracting them with her FLOTUS charm, obviously.


Michelle Obama spoke to children at the USTA Let’s Move! event, explaining that tennis is a great sport because even if you live in a poor neighborhood, without tennis courts, you can learn to play the sport once you graduate from law school.

During a visit to New York on Friday to promote her “Let’s Move” anti-obesity program at the U.S. Open, Mrs. Obama talked about how she came to love the game, even though there were not a lot of tennis courts in Chicago’s South Shore neighborhood where she was raised.
Said Mrs. Obama, “Now, I’m probably like the average kid. I didn’t — I grew up in the city, on the south side. And there were not a lot of tennis courts around. So I really didn’t get exposure to the sport until after law school, when I just sort of picked it up and started playing with some friends. And it’s the kind of sport that you just develop a passion for. And I’m not really good or anything like that — that’s the beauty of tennis. You don’t have to be good to enjoy it, because I love the game and my skills are very questionable.”

Whether or not she is any good at the game, she sure looks fierce, waving that tennis racquet around!

Upset about the State of your State? Ban all things Gay!

North Carolina’s unemployment rate of 10.1% is worse than the national average by a full percentage point, which interestingly also ranks them even worse than Alabama. It is basically super humiliating to rank below Alabama in anything, so North Carolina lawmakers need something to raise North Carolina’s self-esteem. What’s an easy one? “What about one of those ‘gays are a Satanic cabal of goat rapists who should never be allowed to marry according to the state constitution’ thingys?” Sure, the North Carolina Assembly will pass that one, no problem. Who’s feeling better already?
The constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage will now go to the GOP-controlled state Senate, which will probably also pass this embarrassing, paranoid piece of legislation so that voters might go to their primary polling stations and oh-so-briefly forget their terrible jobless lives, through the magic of bigotry.
From the AP:

Ten House Democrats voted with nearly all Republicans in favoring of putting on May’s primary ballot a question that would make marriage the only domestic legal union recognized in this state. The bill passed 75-42 — above the 72 needed for any constitutional change — and is now headed for debate Tuesday in the Senate. A similar three-fifths majority would be needed.
Although 30 states have gay marriage bans in their constitutions, North Carolina is the only state in the Southeast without such a marriage limit there. State law already defines marriage between a man and a woman, but amendment supporters argue traditional marriage would be better protected against potential legal challenges by same-sex couples married in six other states and the District of Columbia.

The out-of-state gays and their judicial witchery! Will a constitutional ban on same sex marriage be enough? Next up, a constitutional amendment to add the text of the Bible 24 times at the bottom, just to be sure.

Majority of Fox News Viewers and Tea-Party Members are Bigots

Get out your miniature American flags and get ready for all those chain e-mails from Grandma because it’s almost that time of year again! It has now been ten years since 9/11, which means America has had ten years to grieve, reflect, and cultivate limitless hatred for a religion we can’t even begin to understand. This is the general conclusion of a poll conducted by the Brookings Institution that dared to ask, “Just how ignorant are we?” And because we are the BEST COUNTRY EVER CREATED BY GOD we have of course won the championship Gold Medal of Ignorance. Patriot victory laps around the neighborhood mosque!


This study, or “What It Means To Be American: Attitudes In An Increasingly Diverse America Ten Years After 9/11,” finds that Republicans, Teabaggers, and inbred hillbillies who rely on Gretchen Carlson for information are the most Islamophobic, but worry not, because the rest of America is pretty angry about Muslims, too.

Overall, the survey of nearly 2,500 respondents found that 47 percent of respondents think Islam is out of step with American values, while 48 percent disagreed.
Approximately two-thirds of Republicans, Americans who identify with the Tea Party movement, and Americans who most trust Fox News agree that the values of Islam are at odds with American values. A majority of Democrats, Independents, and those who most trust CNN or public television disagree.

While, according to the Brookings report, more than 60 percent of Americans don’t believe Muslims are trying to institute Muslim religious law — known as Sharia — across the U.S., there are an increasing number who do: Over the last 8 months agreement with this question has increased by 7 points, from 23 percent in February 2011 to 30 percent today.

Nearly 6-in-10 Republicans who most trust Fox News believe that American Muslims are trying to establish Shari’a law in the U.S. The attitudes of Republicans who most trust other news sources look similar to the general population.

Of course, these numbers are also reflective of President Barack Obama’s free-falling approval ratings. They are very connected, since “How much do you hate Muslims?” and “How much do you hate Barack Obama?” are the same question, except they are missing the important keywords “secret” and “terrorist.”

Rick Perry is a B****

Texas, Texas, burning down, where o where can the federal government be found? Rick “just secede already” Perry is all bent out of shape because, God, these idiots, the feds are too busy with their red tape to help Rick Perry do war on the enormous wildfires trying to swallow the entire state back into the earth. Perry requested federal assistance and giant fire-killing drones from Fort Hood that have yet to arrive, although we are not sure when he asked for it because he didn’t say, maybe a few hours ago? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT. Stupid government red war tape! Keep that middle finger raised high, Rick Perry. God and the Texas state legislature that is busy cutting the firefighters’ budget by $34 million in the midst of the crisis, they will still get their high-fives.
From the Austin-American Statesman:

Three days after fires started to burn in Central Texas, Gov. Rick Perry today expressed frustration that federal firefighting support, including equipment from Fort Hood, has yet to make its way to the firefighters.
Perry said the firefighters could use heavy equipment such as bulldozers to clear fire breaks.
“It’s more difficult than it should be,”he said. “When you have people hurting, when lives are in danger, I don’t care who owns the asset.”

The Obama administration, which has already approved seven federal grants for the disaster, did not say, “you are a horrible whiny biyotch, Rick Perry,” for some reason.

Link

Poverty Soars Under Obama???

Jesus, does anything ever go right in this turd country anymore? Poverty lines the streets of America knee-deep with roasted turd chips everywhere you turn. Totally, totally, *head shake*, Fox Nation is with y’all there. They just read this terrible study they will post about, because the study says it found that “child poverty increased in 38 states from 2000 to 2009. As a result, 14.7 million children, 20%, were poor in 2009. That represents a 2.5 million increase from 2000, when 17% of the nation’s youth lived in low-income homes” blah blah that is so terrible, is anyone at all paying attention to this societal depravity, like Fox Nation? See how bad things got from 2000 to 2009? That was a pretty tragic decade. Yeah, what the hell, Obama? 
 
Oh fine, the Fox Nation editors accidentally remembered that 9/11 was in 2001, NEVER FORGET, before Obama took office in 2009, and the headline now reads a very boring, “Study: 1 in 5 American Children Living in Poverty.”
Maybe their own story summary under the headline was the first clue?

How weird is it that Fox News can only be shamed into writing an actual journalistic headline when they realize they may have accidentally made fun of George W. Bush?

Hire Michele get $2 Gas!!!

Hollering pill junkie loser welfare brat Michele Bachmann promises everybody that if she is elected President, the price of gas will come down to $2. “That will happen,” she says, and nothing else. Ominous! Since Michele won’t specify how this will happen, I will reason through her promise: Bachmann yodels on and on in her speech that gas was $1.79 when Obama took office, which stupid, annoying experts note was the result of the economic crash forcing businesses and humans to stop shipping things or traveling anywhere. And since new domestic drilling can only produce minimal quantities compared to demand that OPEC would offset anyway by reducing output and thus have minimal to zero impact on gas prices, the only way to reduce prices again would be to just destroy the economy anew. But at least we will still have Jesus and a bargain $2 way for Americans to off themselves running the car motor in the closed garage, right Michele?

Link

Teabaggers wanna do what?

Here is a clever idea the Teabaggers have come up with to make sure President Obama stops getting his way: “Let’s just get rid of him,” they have decided. Yes, apparently, if America elects a president and then decides three years in that he is doing a poor job, not quite living up to his promises, or just flat out being an illegal Kenyan terrorist, America can just throw a tantrum and replace that bad president with a zombie overlord or some other hilarious character. Democracy. This is the strategy that Rep. Michael Burgess of Texas would like to use to get rid of the president, because it’s just so easy!
Some disgruntled patriots down in Texas were a little angry with their Rep. Burgess, because he voted to raise the debt ceiling, when he should have made a more valiant attempt to collapse the economy, so there would be more problems to blame on the black president.

Finally Rick is about to Roll Us

Rick Perry is “definitely totally” super almost officially about to run for this “President of the Damned” job that replaced the POTUS job title at some point during market trading today. This is basically the exact same headline we have been reading for weeks, but uh sure, let’s reflect on how terrible this would be. Is everyone excited to be ruled by another illiterate D-student Texas devil clown whose weepy prayers are automatically forwarded to God’s spam folder because God is already tired of the other idiot Texas frat prince who ruined His Earth with eternal wars and torture camps? Yes, apparently!

Mayor Goes Drunk Shopping

Sunland Park mayor Martin Resendiz got blitzed with a group of business executives one evening after work, and the inevitable sexytime things occurred, if only anyone can recall what they were. A tub of Crisco, some temporary tattoos and an iguana, maybe? No one remembers those things, seriously. Nine months later At some point a while after that, the company that owns these business executives showed up on the mayor’s doorstep with a lawsuit demanding the money he owed them for “the building contracts” that Resendiz signed that night. “Haha, good joke,” he said (probably). “What contracts? I used a condom?” No, Sloppy Joe! He did not, and so now he owes this company one million dollars in taxpayer child support for brand new building projects that Resendiz and everybody else never wanted. TA-DA! The miracle of construction begins anew.
From the Albuquerque Journal:

Sunland Park Mayor Martin Resendiz admitted in court-related proceedings that he was drunk when he signed nine contracts with a California company suing the city for $1 million.
“The day I signed … I had way too much to drink. It was after 5 p.m. and I signed it (the contracts) and I didn’t know what I was signing,” Resendiz wrote in response to questions from lawyers for the architectural design firm Synthesis+. “My sister had to pick me up.”
The lawsuit claims the company is owed $1 million for work performed under the nine contracts. The city contends the contracts were not valid because they weren’t approved by the City Council.
Resendiz said during a deposition that he had been drinking with company executives at a local restaurant and that he didn’t read the documents, ask for copies or for time to study them.

Resendiz is also planning to run for Congress. That is all.

Albuquerque Journal

Nobody Likes you Rick Perry

"God’s favorite candidate” Rick Perry is apparently not “everyone else’s favorite candidate” to throw a fringe right-wing Biblehumper block party, as it turns out: only 8,000 tragic souls have signed up for Perry’s “The Response” rally on Saturday, which is mathematically many less than the 71,000 or so people that fit in the gigantic football stadium where he’s holding it. Has America suddenly lost its appetite for asking God to solve its problems?


The AP reports on this tragedy:

Openly and deeply religious, Texas Gov. Rick Perry organized what seemed like a slam-dunk event for a politician in a state where religion and politics walk hand in hand: He would fill Houston’s Reliant Stadium with fellow believers in a seven-hour session of Christian atonement by some of the nation’s most conservative preachers, exhorting believers to pray about the nation’s moral decline.
Since he set up the event scheduled for Saturday, however, Perry has become the most talked-about almost-candidate in the 2012 Republican presidential field. But with only 8,000 RSVPs for a stadium that seats 71,500 people, virtually no politicians planning to attend, and a slate of organizers who hold out-of-mainstream views on religious freedom, gay rights and even Adolf Hitler, the event has become a potentially risky gamble if Perry is serious about running for the White House.

Oh come on, a gay-Hitler-themed religious dance is practically all anyone even does in Texas for fun these days. What gives, everybody?

What's worse? Severe Drought or GAAAAYS!

Rick Perry recently skipped Texas, where there is an epic drought engulfing 90% of the state, so that he could tell social conservatives at a GOP donor sleepover party in Aspen (ahem) that the recent passage of a gay marriage bill in New York was its own business, states rights, etc. Then, here’s a little quiz, massive outrage ensued about which of these two things, the fact that he a) skipped out on drought management or b) does not hate gays enough?



So here’s the situation, from a report by the AP:

Texas’ economy will take a more direct hit. Agriculture accounted for $99.1 billion of Texas’ $1.1 trillion economy, or 8.6 percent, in 2007, the most recent year data on food and fiber was available from the extension service. Losses in that sector have a ripple effect that’s about twice the amount of the actual agricultural loss.
“That’s a fairly substantial portion of the Texas economy that’s going through this hardship,” Anderson said.
And, it’s a hardship that’s following close on the heels of others. Texas suffered droughts in 2005-06 and 2008-09, although those were mostly regional. This year’s is broader and more intense. The state is coming off its driest nine-month period ever and its hottest June on record. More than 90 percent of the state is in the two most severe drought stages.

Is it fair to even ask Rick Perry to be in charge of something like a natural disaster? Historically, that has always been something that is the federal government’s fault. Here is the Texas Tribune, wondering about this:

Partly because of the relative powerlessness of the state, the consensus of political observers is that the drought is unlikely to cause a political problem for Perry, even if he campaigns around the country while Texas continues to dry out. “This drought would be going on whether he was in Texas or Hong Kong,” Seliger says. “That’s not the point.”
Historically, however, during the worst drought in recorded Texas history — the 1950s — the governor, Allan Shivers, did take a prominent role in working to get more aid flowing to stricken areas.

Yes, historically something terrible like a sweeping drought may have been something a governor worried about and tried to correct, but Rick Perry is too much of a Christian for that.

OMG it was a WHITE GUY? (Crickets Chirping)

This weekend in Norway where a bombing and a shooting have left many people dead, but it’s always safe for American Idiots on the Internet to jump in with a suspect (“Muslims”) and a verdict (“guilty”) and a list of co-conspirators (“Obama and the liberals”) and a punishment (“kill ‘em all”). No matter that a tall blond man of “Norwegian appearance” and wearing a police uniform is described as the shooter on Norway’s Utoya Island — thee muslins are increasingly able to appear as whatever people or things they want to appear as, just like the Cylons or Harry Potter. Here’s what the foreign policy experts at FreeRepublic.com are saying about the attacks right now. Read posts 1-151, all ignorant assbags who completely stop posting as soon as its announced its a "Typical White Guy"

USA! USA! USA!

Herman Cain: First Amendment Says Muslims Not Allowed To Build Mosques

According to Herman Cain’s latest terrorismism reports from Tennessee, he can safely tell us that whatever the Mooslims over there are up to these days, it is “not innocent.” Tennessee is practically Afghanistan, is how bad things have gotten, which means that it is full of poor, mostly illiterate people ruled by intolerant religious fanatics and opium meth addiction. So because of this, the jihadists hiding out there want to build another mosque, a request legally known as “rape of the First Amendment,” because free exercise of religion is magically its total opposite whenever a Muslim practices it. 
What exactly is it that the terrorists want? A mosque, they just want to build a mosque, known in English as a “church.” For worshipping, on their own, their own religion, which is unlike running for office and trying to write legislation in a number of ways. Herman Cain can’t tell those ways apart.
Here he is blathering incoherently on Chris Wallace’s Fox News Sunday morning show:

“Our Constitution guarantees separation of church and state,” Cain explained. “Islam combines church and state. They are using the church part of our First Amendment to infuse their mosque in that community and people in the community do not like it, they disagree with it. Sharia law is what they are trying to infuse… What I am saying is American laws in American courts.”

“Couldn’t any community then say we don’t want a mosque in our community?” Wallace asked.
“They could say that,” Cain admitted. “They are objecting to the fact that Islam is both a religion and set of laws, Sharia law. That is the difference between any one of our other traditional religions where it’s just about religious purposes. The people in the community know best. I happen to side with the people in the community.”

Yes, silly Islam with all its “laws,” they should just have something more like the Bible, that book about dinosaurs.

Whites Don't get the Money Cause Dem Blacks Took it.

Crazy Michele Bachmann was visiting flood-affected regions along the Missouri River when she was asked a very simple question about whether she thought proposed government cuts to the USDA should worry farmers needing help because of the damage. Normally Bachmann would get going on her “government isn’t here to solve your problems” speech, but… oh, uh hey, everyone here is white, right? Yeah okay, so here’s the real problem, everyone: black farmers stole the money that Michele would have given you. If those black farmers would stop asking for government money, Michele would hand it right back out to some of the actually needy white farmers!
Michele is illogically referring to a class action lawsuit in which black farmers won a case against the USDA for decades-long discrimination in handing out loans and farm aid, a payment which has cost over a billion dollars to date. Michele incorrectly understands this as “wasteful spending” since it is not a budget item but rather something a court legally ordered the U.S. government to pay. It’s not like she went to “law school” or anything guys, what do you want from her?
From the AP:

Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann pointed to one program in particular Monday when talking about wasteful government spending: a multibillion dollar settlement paid to black farmers, who claim the federal government discriminated against them for decades in awarding loans and other aid.
The issue came up after Bachmann and Republican Rep. Steve King of Iowa toured flooded areas along the Missouri River. During a news conference, they fielded a question about whether farmers affected by the flooding also should be worried by proposed U.S. Department of Agriculture cuts.
The two responded by criticizing a 1999 settlement in what is known as the Pigford case, after the original plaintiff, North Carolina farmer Timothy Pigford. Late last year, President Barack Obama signed legislation authorizing a new, nearly $1.2 billion settlement for people who were denied payments in the earlier one because they missed deadlines for filing.

This from a question about whether the government should consider easing back on cuts to the USDA.

Education Naye...Confederacy Yay!

It is hard times, hard choices in Alabama, where legislators have been forced like in many other states to slash funding for their state parks and historical monuments because of priorities, etc. “But who will think of the trees and the history?” Eh, no one, next question. “But who will think of the racists?” OH HEY, that is a better question. Good point, Alabama will keep exactly one state park in pristine condition, the one that is dedicated to remembering America’s original 9/11, the loss of the Confederacy. That’s worth a property tax, isn’t it?

Obama Almost put up for Adoption

It is common knowledge in this country that the path to a legitimate American presidency begins with baptizing a white baby in a fountain of oil and money and includes a few years of reckless drug experimentation and, potentially, a religious epiphany, before the Bombing and Ruining Everything phase kicks in. This is why Americans are so frustrated with Barack Obama and his confusing family history, with all its Kenyans and fake birth certificates and near-adoptions. Yes, apparently Barack Obama was sort of, almost, maybe put up for adoption, and only narrowly escaped the fate of becoming a Bachmann foster child. Oh, if only Barry had been adopted, he could have been a contributing member of society, instead of a secret Muslim dictator.

Tea Party Admits They Are What We Thought They Were.

OH YEEHAW THA FORF OF JULY, time for the awful racist slobs of Lexington, Kentucky to put on their best “warding off the coloreds and the Muslins” finery in honor of Jesus, Hitler and Thomas Jefferson. Do you like seeing the hate-bomb that is puking all over the American flag, on this man’s t-shirt? Does it capture your patriotic spirit? He will sell you another, to wear to the parade!  This is how serious the birth control situation is in Kentucky, because broken condoms result in tragedies like this man, selling apparel to people who want to honor America’s founding dressed like White-Trash (redundant?) Klansmen. Were there even other tragic people interested in buying from him, or was his booth FOR SOME UNIMAGINABLE REASON labeled “Tea Party Fox News” on the front?

 His shirt says "Yes I'm a Racist"

Yee-Haw Capitalism Done Won Again in Texas!

The budget heroes (The Rick Perry Disciples) of Alto, Texas have run the numbers, and they have concluded the town’s police force was just not very lucrative when it came to the town’s revenues, probably because police are typical “government freeloaders.” Snip saw hack! So the city council cut the police department from the budget, fired all the policemen for not doing anything at all besides sucking tax dollars down the drain, and sent them home. Is it really so bad? Maybe now the fired coppers can work as freelancers, like in Mexico, where the free market handles security decisions correctly, with capitalism. And probably the neighborhood vigilante mob with its rifles will fill in the gaps, so this is now officially a great idea.

Hang in there, Alto. Capitalism will protect you until the socialist freeloader police come back to ruin your lives again.

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Tea Party Thinks it is ok to Bully Gay Kids

There are only a handful of fairly uncontroversial statements you can make these days, stuff like, “the image of Al Gore making out with someone is gross” and “cancer should have a cure” and “the cruel treatment of children is awful.” Oh wait, except the last one, if you are full of rat testicles like Tea Party Nation leader Rich Swier, who says, hey everyone, God made this thing called “peer pressure” to keep kids in line, and those vicious teenagers who beat up on the gay kids? That’s just “peer pressure” at work keeping kids from acting gay. Hear that, parents? Peer pressure might be responsible for your teenager using drugs and alcohol, stealing, getting pregnant and making the wardrobe choices that no one can understand, but at least it is dissuading your child from acting all homo.

I hope that pictures of this guy and is rent-boy come out soon, I promise I will blow it up and frame it over my fireplace.

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Violence A-Okay, Boobies? Ehhhhhhh Not So Much

Your Supreme Court has been hard at work striking down a California law banning the sale of violent video games to children, because Free Speech. Hurray for the First Amendment! Children still may not buy the nudie magazines, GOD FORBID, but it is their First Amendment right to blow up, mow down, run over, dismember, stab or sexually assault an imaginary human being on a TV screen, for freedom.
In a 7-2 ruling, the justices deemed that violent video games “communicate ideas” like plays, books and movies (but not porn movies, their crappy plots do not count), and thus deserve protection. Okay, sure. Whatever. We do not hate violent video games or really even care about them, but there is a certain amount of irony in the idea that America is allowed to protect the kiddies from the scourge of bare boobies and not from extremely violent images.

Glen Beck Can't Find Love Anywhere

Ex-television clown Glenn Beck just wanted to go to a government-run socialist park to watch a free movie on the lawn with other liberal New Yorkers at Bryant Park, but apparently New Yorkers somehow found out that Glenn Beck is a fear-mongering fanatic who thinks the entire American Government should be destroyed, and that all poor people and sick people should die in the streets, which also shouldn’t exist because of No Government. And the New Yorkers ridiculed him, because he’s a hateful asshole, and now he is sad about this. Why won’t everyone love this race-baiting psychopath?
Gothamist reports:

“All I wanted to do is go out on a blanket with my family and have dinner in the afternoon sun and sit around.” While in theory this is a completely reasonable request, it seems a tad disconnected from reality, which shouldn’t surprise anyone. Beck said on his morning radio show that from the moment he arrived, the vibe was “hostile,” and that someone apparently kicked a glass of wine (which they shouldn’t have had!) over on his wife’s back. When she got up to use the restroom, someone pointed at her and supposedly shouted, “We hate conservatives here!”

Ha ha, idiot. If this was Soviet Russia, which Beck often seems to claim is exactly what America is, Glenn Beck would’ve been executed by firing squad and all the video recordings of his dumb TV show would’ve been erased from history or YouTube or whatever.

House Finds Time to Blame Obama...Just Easier to Blame the Brown Guy Isn't it?

Ruh-roh, House lawmakers have found time in their busy day avoiding debt talks to scold Obama for sending a few shiny war toys over to Libya, where NATO is still busy bombing Dictator Death for whatever reason that makes him worse than the guy killing all the Syrians. Oil, probably? Yeah, so quit doing that, you’re wasting all our money, the House cried to Obama by a vote of 295-123. It’s been too long (3 months), and you’ve spent all this money ($716 million)! And what’s your problem with dictators, anyway? The Libyans didn’t ask you to come over and help them install a democracy might have asked you to help them overthrow their murderous dictator and his horrible sons to establish a democracy, but whatever, they are not freedom-loving Muslims they’re freedom-loving Muslims that House lawmakers don’t care about.
Here is something about the Iraq war: it cost over $3 trillion. The U.S. deficit hovers just under $15 trillion, so you might say, if you liked math, that this is the equivalent of somewhere around one-fifth of the current U.S. debt!
From McClatchy:

They were thwarted by an unusual combination of anti-war Democrats, as well as most Republicans, who argued that the three-month old mission has become too murky and too costly. 70 Democrats joined 225 Republicans to vote against the measure.

Haha, “too murky and too costly.” Is that possibly the most cynical thing any lawmaker could ever surmise about the Libyan conflict if that lawmaker also voted for the Iraq war? No, probably you would have to add in some glib comments about how it is not the job of the United States to fight someone’s battle for democracy, or whatever. Meanwhile, almost half of the world’s conflict refugees are people who have been displaced by American wars

Holy Hypocrites!

Ever since the nation’s poorest, most obese and reliably Republican-voting state got Internet access last year, the main thing the people of Mississippi have been looking for, on the ‘puter, is “free gay porn” and “God.” In that order.  Florida, as you can see and as can be expected, surpassed Mississippi in overall searches-by-state for Free Gay Porn, but failed to top Haley Barbour’s state in the essential “post-jacking off” search for God. (In Florida, that secondary search is “Kill Castro.”) This website called Calamities of Nature produced a wonderful chart that everybody should hang up on the wall in Mississippi, based on Google search data. Who knew Google was keeping tabs on everything anybody did, anywhere? Oh wait, we already knew that.

**Notable Gay loving California was at the bottom (no pun intended).

Obama's Latest Speech

Remember when Barack Obama was all, “And I will stop having all these wars everywhere”? No? Lately, people have been telling us that he never said anything of the sort, which is kind of funny, haha, because we all believed that was his intention, right? I don’t have five whole minutes to go read Wikipedia about it, but now that Obama has been president for almost twelve years three years, I do sort of remember that he just used to go around and smirk thoughtfully at Hillary and say “Iraq is a dumb war.” But he didn’t really say he would end wars, and really all wars are dumb, except for the defense contractors and the oil companies and hedge funds that get to go “privatize” everything when the war is over, in five-thousand years

Crops Rotting in Georgia b/c the State is Run by Idiots

WHOOPS: Georgia’s legal promise to crucify any illegal immigrants it could get its hands on did, in fact, have the intended effect of scaring away the state’s undocumented workers. So, lo and behold, there are no workers left to harvest all of the state’s crops. Is America ready for forced labor again? Maybe this will solve the obesity epidemic? Georgia farmers are currently 11,000 workers short, and a failure to fill the ranks will cripple the state agricultural industry. Haha, there will be no food, this will solve the obesity problem, too! The state has been trying to encourage some of the state’s unemployed probationers to join chain gangs harvest crews before ALL the crops rot in the fields, but probationers have not so far worked as quickly or as hard as the space aliens do with their magical powers.

Palin Quits Again!

Probably NO HUMAN ON EARTH SAW THIS COMING but just as God or common sense or Mohammed long ago wrote in stone that which must come to pass, Sarah Palin has decided to quit her dumb summer vacation RV road trip before it was finished. Quick and pointless and halfway through, like all of Sarah Palin’s activities that are not giving birth. Oh well, I sort of forgot it was even happening? Way to go, Lamestream Media, you failed to remind us for an entire week about Palin’s existence. Was that why I was feeling mysteriously better about life? The last post about the tour on the SarahPAC website is from June 8, so it took someone from the media two whole weeks to notice she wasn’t even blogging about her wild adventures talking to old white people anymore. Haha, it is stuck on that day because Sarah Palin is still reliving it, the day she got to steal all the media attention from the Rolling Thunder bikers conducting their annual rally to promote veterans issues, because stealing attention from the issues affecting actual hard-working and struggling Americans is what she does best. After hinting early on that she would also travel to Iowa and South Carolina to terrorize motorists along those lucky highways, the Palins headed back to Alaska before getting that far.

Drunk and Repubilcan? There is Medical Reason for that

Here is an important safety tip, America: do not leave your unlocked car parked in the driveway with the keys in the ignition, because sooner or later a black-out drunk GOP senator will climb into your vehicle and drive it away. Idaho Senate Republican Caucus Chairman John McGee is that senator, currently free on bail after stealing a man’s SUV in Boise and crashing it in the neighbor’s yard while he had a blood alcohol level nearly twice the state limit. McGee’s lawyer is telling everyone that there are good “medical explanations” for McGee’s bizarre behavior, which sounds like someone describing a gambling problem as “a helpful fixation with mathematical odds analysis.”

We should encourage lawmakers to stick to tweeting naked pictures of their genitals, so at least they don’t kill anybody in their free time.

Jon Huntsman Running for President! (Wait Who?)

Jon Huntsman is in! For what? Who is he? Is he Tim Pawlenty 2.0? No, he is the Chinese guy running for president. He’s not Chinese? He is Mormon. So he is Mitt Romney the Sequel? Huntsman formally declared his candidacy today in the liberal Mecca of New York City, because the socialist French statue is there, which makes a good GOP campaign announcement backdrop. Huntsman is Obama’s former ambassador to China, a job reference he may want to leave off his resume when he hands it to the Republican voters. “Chinese ambassador” sounds an awful lot like “Kenyan Muslim” if you have no idea where China or Kenya are on a map, which is a lot of Americans.

The Koch Brothers want You....to work till you die

Why, exactly, should we raise the retirement age? Who benefits from that? Certainly not people, now being told that they’ll have to toil until death after all, just like the slaves and serfs of the cruel past. And why should the elderly now have to work to the grave? Because the Koch Brothers were born into $300 million fortunes and they’ve exploited hundreds of thousands of laborers and the natural resources of America to make that $300 million into billions, and they don’t want to pay any taxes on that, because they are evil. Here’s a link to a quick video that’s not too lulzy but might be just what your brainwashed grandparents need to receive in their AOL mail.

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Barry O Finally gots the Twitter

Barry Obama from the Block finally got around to installing the Twitter application on his Blackberry this weekend, probably after John Boehner mocked him at their Golf Summit for running around without it. The president’s account to date has been filled with dry robot White House staffer tweets that made Chuck Grassley’s Twitter feed look like a Saturday night key party in 1976. Can you spice it up, hip Obamar? No, is the answer. “Being President is not as hard as being a father” was his first tweet. Nice one, most boring person on Twitter ever. I'm glad “The President” can let everyone out there who is a parent know that it is harder than running the world. Could I have that job leading Earth, then? Obama also apparently likes that job better than being President, which, now my feelings are sort of hurt?


Let's hope he doesn't send out any pics of his prick. Speaking of pricks follow me on Twitter @manish21

Wiener (lulz) Resigns from Congress

Before I continue with my post, I will honestly say I am not okay with Wiener resigning, he was truly one of the best politicians in the House. Entertaining, Smart, and genuinely seemed to care about what happened in his district. I really think he should run in the special election and make his way back, and I think he will. Now on to the HA-HAs.

How things have changed in our dumb world! Just a few years ago, Mark Foley was at the intersection of technology and jerking off. Do you know what Foley used to seduce his younglings? Some ancient technology called “AOL Instant Messenger.” Does anyone even know what that is? I am guessing these are the same people that probably use "Bing" to search, losers.  Also, Mark Foley resigned pretty much as soon as he was caught. And, you know, Foley was actually a closeted gay who was sort of known as being gay and wasn’t that big of a jerk, as a human. What I mean is, for all the mockery directed at Mark Foley and his AIM chats with younger gentlemens, he didn’t lie to the whole Earth for a month and bring immense shame to a wife and unborn child.

Weiner (hehehehe) Should Pray to the REAL GOD!

Important fundamentalist Baptist official Albert Mohler has some unsolicited advice for Anthony Weiner: Why not worship the real god, Jesus, instead of that Jew god you claim to love so much. It’s a good point! Fundamentalist Christian guys almost never send Twitter pictures of their genitals to women, because most fundamentalist Christian men are homosexuals. But would “switching sides” from Jew to Christian somehow make Weiner become homosexual, too? Experts are torn, the way a Baptist leader is torn between loving his fat wife or loving that smooth young Puerto Rican boy down at the beach resort. Also, did you know Anthony Weiner might be a secret Muslim? This is FACT spread the word!

Another Palin Quits

Professional quitters the Palin clan are working on their resume again: Bristol Palin is moving out of her Phoenix narcomansion only six months after she paid $172,000 in cash for it. She’s renting it out for $1,400 a month so that YOU TOO can wake up each day in the angry meth wonderland suburbs of Phoenix, Arizona with missing teeth wondering where your life went wrong. Why is Bristol abandoning this poorly landscaped foreclosure paradise? She is supposedly moving to LA (YAAY ME!) for her new reality show about how hard it is to have roommates and wake up in the morning and go to work, which is something many of us would like to monetize in today’s economy. 

FLOTUS Taking on the FATSOS

America is full of fat children, and fat adults. This we know. But did you also know that America has many fat babies? It is more difficult to spot them, sandwiched between all the aforementioned full-grown fat people, but that doesn’t mean that Michelle Obama hasn’t noticed these sneaky, milk-guzzling fatsos. And since our FLOTUS is not one to sit idly by while Americans gorge themselves, she has decided to combat this baby fat problem and put a stop to it before it spirals out of control. In America, privileged babies exit the womb and are immediately put into the loving arms of a full-time non-relative caregiver, perhaps an illegal Colombian, who nurtures them and takes them to Montessori school when the time is right. The less fortunate babies are sent to live at day care, where they mix with other babies and do things like the "Dougie" bunny hop .

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Let's Get'em While they is Young

America’s children are not overwhelmingly aware of the dangers of our Kenyan overlord and all the Socialists he has in place. This is unacceptable according to the Tampa Liberty School, a 5-day summer camp designed to wash the political correctness out of children’s tender, pre-liberal minds. There, kids will learn about Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton, the Federalist Papers, the schools of constitutional interpretation and Enlightenment contexts for the American Revolution. HAHA Just kidding! They will learn that socialism is evil, paper currency is as good as toilet paper, you should invest in a Glen Beck Mutual Fund gold and that freedom means cleaning up the giant mess you made all over the floor. It is a helpful coincidence that these lessons are designed for third grade level learning since the class projects are created with about the third grade level understanding of American history known to so many of our beloved Tea Party Patriots.

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Yee-Haw God finally taking over as Gubernor of Texas

Texas Governor Rick Perry has declared he can’t solve the state’s problems, so from now on official government policy is “pray, everybody.” Perry is holding a day of fasting and prayer called “The Response” at a sports stadium in Houston on August 6th, which everyone can now consider the “effective date” for God’s taking over of Texas affairs. “Some problems are beyond our power to solve,” Perry said, which includes the state debt, unemployment, public health, disaster response, and, uh, teen pregnancy. Prayer will now be in charge of these things. If anyone has a problem with how these things are going, they can phone God and ask “what the hell,” because Rick Perry will no longer be responsible.

I don't trust the Ocean either

Ocean treasure hunter Bill Warren does not trust sketchy terrorist lover Nobama to admit on his own that Osama bin Laden is not dead, so Warren will go visit the North Arabian Sea to search for Osama’s body, to prove once and for all it does not exist. Warren will even take a documentary crew with him, to help declare the ocean Osama-free with hours of footage of nothing. The North Arabian Sea floor is your new Hawaii Department of Health: RELEASE THE CERTIFICATE BODY. Why is the ocean protecting Obama?

House Arrest = Fancy NYC Apartment

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is just too French and Fancy for normal jail with the other accused rapists. So he’s staying at a New York building called “71 Broadway,” wherever that is. The building manager sent out an email to the tenants, just to let them know there might be TV news reporters and other weirdos hanging around all the time. It’s funny how the big concern isn’t that there’s an accused sex criminal in the building, but that there might be a “media presence” outside the lobby. The rich, their problems are the same as ours! 


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MSNBC Finding Fresh New Ways to Destroy Themselves

Michael Steele was (barely) chosen as the Republican Party chairman a few years ago as a response to Barack Obama’s election to the presidency. Not a political response, so much as an image-y kind of thing. It’s hard to remember now, but the trend in 2008-2009 was all about tall, dark and handsome men. Especially the “dark” part. But the Republicans only had creepy old man Alan Keyes and bald Maryland mediocrity Michael Steele to choose from, and what’s his name, the pizza man, hadn’t yet been born. (Herman Cain is a super baby, were you aware?) So they, the Republicans, picked Michael Steele to run the Republican party. And all the angry white old people promptly started their own Republican Party, but without the black people, and they called this the “Tea Party” (even though they mostly drank Mellow Yellow). Now Michael Steele has finished his work at the RNC, and is going to be a TV star with Rachel Maddow and … I don’t know anyone else on MSNBC. This move comes as no surprise considering NBC just cancelled "Outsourced" and need to fill their brown, black, colored people quotient. 


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GOP Power Rankings

1. RONALD REAGAN
Why he could win: Just has to remind voters of Iran-Contra and his work with the mujahideen. People loved that! They can’t get enough of it!
Why he probably won’t win: Although 20 Republican-held state governments have redirected their Planned Parenthood funding to a team trying to reanimate his corpse, Reagan is getting really ratty and looks pretty skimpy in the football uniform they dressed him up in.

2. MIKE HUCKABEE
Why he could win: Could strike fear into the hearts of rogue dictators and terrorist masterminds by defeating them in pie-eating contests.
Why he probably won’t win: Really likes where his life is right now; also, completely unaware the last presidential election wasn’t just a one-time deal and actually happens every four years.

3. DICK CHENEY
Why he could win: If he sighs loud enough, people will be like, “Fine, Dick Cheney, you can be our candidate.” And then he only has to torture, what, 10 million people into voting for him?
Why he probably won’t win: The Constitution has amendments for what happens when a president dies, and he’s not really technically alive.

4. MITCH DANIELS
Why he could win: I don't really know who this guy is so he is probably somewhat acceptable.
Why he probably won’t win: Lazy ass has been in office for six years and still hasn’t killed a single Osama bin Laden.

5. PLANNED PARENTHOOD
Why they could win: Many states allow voters to switch parties or vote in another party’s primary, and Planned Parenthood becoming their presidential candidate would be the funniest thing ever to happen to the Republican Party, so people would totally do it.
Why they probably won’t win: Running mate ACORN would help black people vote fifteen times each so Obama wins in a landslide.

6. AN AMERICAN FLAG
Why it could win: What are Teabaggers gonna do, vote AGAINST the American flag?
Why it probably won’t win: Hmm, it’s not wearing a flag pin on its lapel. Must hate America.

7. MARK FOLEY
Why he could win: America loves a comeback!
Why he probably won’t win: Too butch.

8. A FRIED PORK & MAYO SANDWICH
Why it could win: Iowans love these huge, fatty things, and winning the first state gives a candidate a lot of momentum.
Why it probably won’t win: Doesn’t seem to be taking a position on ethanol.

9. GODWhy He could win: Considering the winning Republican candidate always thanks God for His endorsement in his victory speech, this Guy is the ultimate king-maker and advisor. Seems like He has a weird sense for things.
Why He probably won’t win: As much as God hates Obamacare, the antichrist’s approval ratings seem to be doing pretty well these past two weeks after killing bin Laden.

10. SARAH PALIN
Why she could win: A scenario: Every other human being on Earth makes an obvious, very logical choice that somehow results in all their deaths.
Why she probably won’t win: There’d be plenty of plant life around more in that scenario that would be more likable in an election matchup.

Bush Jr.'s BFF works for Pakistan! Wait What?

Here’s some hott Harriet Miers (Jr's failed Supreme Court Nominee) news from the nation’s top Harriet Miers blog: She’s now working as a lobbyist for Pakistan! Cool! Dealing with terrorist-coddlers like Pakistani officials is pretty much just as bad as working with Antonin Scalia, so President Obama should totally appoint her to the Supreme Court again. Just look at Pakistan getting off the hook for abetting Osama bin Laden. She’s earned it!

She is registered lobbyist for the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, Pakistan People’s Party and Pakistan President and co-chair of the PPP Asif Ali Zardari. Miers even reps Zardari’s kids, according to her Justice Dept. filing.

She began working for Pakistan, a $75K a month account for LLS, in August 2008 during the wind-down of Bush II’s second term.

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Romney Raises 10 Million in One Day!

A whole lot of old white guys who could have donated herds and herds of goats to starving villages to raise and improve their livelihoods instead “maxxxed out” to the second failure campaign of a fellow very, very rich white man who can actually fund this retirement adventure himself.

“We are overwhelmed by the outpouring of support for Governor Romney’s campaign,”

said a person who only gets one life to live on this planet but for some reason has decided to spend it with the less interesting Mormon in this contest of utter losers.

“The results are a strong indication of the national enthusiasm for Governor Romney and his pro-jobs platform.”

Oh, so it was the unemployed and those worried about their future employment who donated to this rich fuck! Probably not the best financial decision, but considering the financial decisions of most of our countrymen, it’s not bad, relatively.

Fuck it. We all die Saturday anyway. 

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Seriously Waaaay to Many Black People in the White House

White America is very concerned about what is happening to the White House these days — key word here being, of course, “white.” Michelle Obama has recently been seen in public doing urban dances, and even invited some sort of gang member to the White House for a poetry reading/cop-killing brainstorming party. Many Americans are under the impression that at this rate, Tyler Perry will soon have an office in the West Wing to share with the Black Panthers, or the Crips. They are all the same thing, right? What exactly is Michelle up to?


"Urban" Dancing

Waaaay to many Black people in the White House

I don’t know what happened to this country, but apparently a negro rapper was allowed inside the White House to read his so-called “poetry,” like black people have ever written poetry. There was a time, honestly, when black people were kept to the various servant and kitchen positions in the White House. But not with this president, no sir. I’ve never heard of this rapper “poet” minority, but VIBE/JET Magazine senior editor Sarah Palin said he’s no good! That’s enough for me. (I always trust crazy old white grandmas in Alaska when it comes to choosing my hip hop.)


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If it'z on the Interwebz it haz to be for realz....right?

Considering the Obama administration has made it clear they have not and will not release any photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse, most people would realize the fakes floating around the Internet, which are not even Photoshopped all that well, are not real. Republican Senators Saxby Chambliss, Kelly Ayotte, and Scott Brown, however, saw these on somebody’s LiveJournal or whatever and decided they had been privileged with seeing classified photos. “The head area, obviously, he had been wounded. I can’t describe it –- give any better description than that,” Ayotte said, pretending she was important enough to be given access to the bin Laden pixx but wasn’t really allowed to discuss them. These senators apparently forgot the Internet is not just available to them.

Senator Saxby Chambliss, R-Georgia, the top Republican on the Senate Intelligence Committee, told CNN and other news organizations Wednesday morning he had seen photos. He described them as “what you would expect from somebody who’s been shot in the head. It’s not pretty.” [...]
Late Wednesday afternoon, Chambliss admitted to reporters a photo he had described earlier in the day was not an “official photo,” but rather a picture he was shown on an electronic device, and he does not know if it was authentic.

“I have been privileged with joining an exclusive club for senators that gives me access to buy one huge coupon a day at local businesses,” Chambliss continued. “But I’m not at liberty to describe it any further.”

Seriously, how the fuck do these people think the photos haven’t been released if they SAW THEM ON THE INTERNET?

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Another Link to another idiot