CIA handing out gifts to the rebels

Remember when President Obama made that speech about how the war in Libya was such a small war you could barely see it, and it was pretty much over and done with anyway, so you can go back to watching (your one life on Earth fade away while you watch) Jersey Shore? That wasn’t exactly correct. It turns out Obama already authorized heavy arms shipments to the rebels.Sending in weapons would arguably violate an arms embargo on Libya by the U.N. Security Council imposed on February 26, although British, U.S. and French officials have suggested there may be a loophole.There’s always a loophole for illegal wars: It’s called “being America.” FUCK YEAH! Honestly what could possibly go wrong with outfitting "rebels" with millions of dollars worth of modern American weapons? Oh ya I forgot, this happens.

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The War Against Workers Continues...(But this war wasn't started by your BFF Barry O.)

People who aren’t billionaires experienced a rare “hopeful” sensation (haha, remember that word, “Hope”? Before it was removed from the Oxford English Dictionary and replaced with “OMG”?) last week, after an activist judge legislating from the bench ruled that Scott Walker’s Gilded Age labor bill was total garbage. Scott Walker’s goon squad just cold-ignored this ruling, of course! And now this same hippie judge has made another  ruling against Wisconsin’s famous collective bargaining plan. Not a problem, though! Wisconsin’s Assistant Attorney General Steven Means still says “the legislation ‘absolutely’ is still in effect.” See? That’s how Democracy works.

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The Donald trying to stay out of the limelight Part 2!

Responding to criticism that the birth certificate he released Monday was unofficial and easily forged, probable illegal Kenyan Donald Trump released a whole new document yesterday, one that he says is the real official document this time. But why does Trump have so many birth certificates? Will he release yet another new one tomorrow? Where are all these “old” documents coming from anyway? The more Trump denies he’s a secret Muslim African terrorist, the more it seems like he is. And there are still more questions raised by this particular document. Why doesn’t his mother’s name match up with the first one he released? And, most important of all, why does this one refer to him as a “child,” when he’s clearly a man in his sixties? You know, most Americans (a.k.a. the real ones) don’t feel the need to issue a new birth certificate to the media every day of the week to prove they aren’t Kenyan, and they certainly don’t hire people to send out long memos explaining why it’s complicated but totally normal to have so many alleged birth certificates on hand. Something fishy is going on here. 

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The only logical reason why Social Security is running out.

You’ve probably heard the “social security is bankrupt!” propaganda enough times to half believe it. Social Security is outta money! — even though it’s currently sitting on $4.3 trillion, and it’s fully funded by existing contribution schedules and existing reserves for the next quarter of a century. And after 2037, it’s still 75% funded. Time for lazy old people to work until they’re 72! — again, just cruel bullshit and utterly unnecessary (and in this economy, impossible), unless your only true goal is to slash benefits for retired workers. Maybe someday before then, wealthy people who earn more than a hundred grand a year will have to actually pay into social security for that extra income, because right now the rich don’t have to pay into Social Security on anything they earn above $106,800. In other words, Rick Santorum says the reason Social Security is broke (it’s not) is because of abortion.
America’s craziest abortion nut is campaigning in New Hampshire and was apparently asked about Social Security, which is a subject that frightens old people and middle-aged people and working people in general because, for decades now, they’ve been told a complete lie about Social Security being “on the verge of bankruptcy” because Republicans and Libertarians want to kill off Social Security entirely and send America’s elderly into abject poverty. (Does anyone even remember when Bush Junior tried to shut down Social Security a couple of years ago and shovel people’s existing contributions into 401ks?)
Anyway, Rick, please tell us what’s wrong with Social Security, starting with how it’s simply wrong for workers to have a system by which they contribute part of their own earnings into a government fund so that they have a few dollars to live on, once they’re too old to work or simply discarded by McDonalds:

“The social security system in my opinion is a flawed design, period. But, having said that, the design would work a lot better if we had stable demographic trends. … The reason social security is in big trouble is we don’t have enough workers to support the retirees. Well, a third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion, because one in three pregnancies end in abortion.”

Yup all those abortions = fiscal collapse. Rick Santorum everyone!

Another Winner from Wasilla

Another proud product of Wasilla, Alaska, Army Specialist Jeremy Morlock has plead guilty to three counts of murder for killing Afghan civilians to pass the time when he wasn’t killing the other kind of Afghans. But that’s not all! Some of Morlock’s comrades have also been charged with following his lead to murder these people, and doing so while on drugs. Usually, this would be just another “unfortunate murders in a murder zone of important murders” story, and everyone’s eyes would glaze over, but now there are pixxx.

"Specialist Jeremy Morlock and Private Andrew Holmes are shown holding up the head of a man identified by Germany’s Der Spiegel newspaper as 15 year old Gul Mudin, an unarmed Afghan they are accused of killing on January 15, 2010."

Whoops! The Army has apologized, though, so everything should be okay.

"Many organisations with foreign staff, including the United Nations, ordered a “lockdown” on Sunday night and told employees to stay in their compounds, anticipating violent protests in response to the release, the Guardian newspaper reported."

We can be proud that the recent high-school grads we arm with expensive weapons, ship off to a foreign land for the first time in their lives, and tell to exhibit the best ethics in determining which brown people they’re allowed to kill are just mature enough that the photos they take posing with the heads of people they murdered are not also sexts of themselves. This Wasilla gentleman kept it in his pants.

**just remember, they hate us for our freedoms not for anything we have ever done to their men, their women, their children,  their lands. All we are doing is bringing death, murder, more poverty, raping their lands of all resources, freedom to them! America F*** Yeah!**

The Donald trying to stay out of the limelight

HAHA FOOLED YOU!

Donald Trump constantly needs new attention for his fake presidential run, he’s recently decided he’s a birther. Sure thing, Donald Trump. How brave of you to take time off from your important job fake-firing and fake-hiring former celebrities to shed light on this pivotal fake issue. But once the “Trump is birther” news cycle ended, he needed to up the ante. So he released his birth certificate to Newsmax yesterday. Except this yellow alleged hospital document is not an actual birth certificate from the New York City Department of Health. So why does Trump refuse to release a real, certified, long-form birth certificate? What is he hiding? Where was he really born? And yet Trump is totally silent. And he continues to hide his financial information from the public. And, even more importantly, Trump has yet to provide any official documentation for that hair on his head, which may be living and working in the United States illegally. This is a grave matter. The man is probably ineligible for the presidency, from what I've seen.
Who’s the Kenyan now?

Herman Cain won't hire you silly Muslims

Herman Cain is not interested in your silly Muslims! They are allowed to practice their religion in private, just like Baptists or Catholics or other Christians. That’s it; no serving in the judiciary for them. Just like Baptists or Catholics or other Christians? We assume so. Herman Cain will only appoint atheists to the bench, right? He doesn’t want to mess with agnostics.  I wonder if he thinks Buddhists are just to soft and hippy to hold any kind of job important public office.

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FUNdamentalist Christians are all FAT pigs

Well, here’s a shocker: America’s most deluded religious group, the fundamentalist Christians, “are 50 percent more likely to turn into obese middle-agers as those with no religious involvement.” Being dumb and poor and racist and homophobic apparently wasn’t enough for Jesus’ true children here in America — now they’re doomed to fatness, too. Again, this is according to Scientists who studied people who go to church all the time. There are many theories, including one by Purdue University sociologist Ken Ferraro that “churches are a feeding ground for gluttony and obesity.” But what about religions and philosophies that demand moderation in eating, like Buddhism? Not so many Buddhists in America, I guess! What about Catholics? They are mostly alcoholics, plus they rarely go to church except for the big holidays because they’re scared the priest is going to rape their kids again. What about Anglicans or whatever, maybe Episcopalians or Unitarians? Ha ha, there are only about 2,000 of them, and they’re old preppies who go on walks every day and go canoeing at their summer houses. And that is how we got to “Pole Dancing For Jesus," the end.

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How is that Hopey Changey Peace on Earth thing working out?

America’s new war is One Week Old, hooray! Did you get it a present? (Yes: You are actually paying for this war, too.) Barack Obama conveniently went into hiding in South America. Is there another country that is the U.S. but is somehow not the U.S., that has thousands of war jets and bombers ready to go? And as soon as they figure out what the “mission” is, other than “the U.S. spending hundreds of millions of dollars per day dropping bombs in North Africa,” NATO is going to “mop up” and we’ll always remember this fine little war, the same way we don’t remember Granada or Panama or whatever. This war will never end, though, and will soon morph into the “Greater Libya-Iraq-Afghanistan-Pakistan Operation Masturbating Eagle Operation.

Maine removes mural from Department of Labor

Still don’t believe it’s a full-on war against workers? It is: “Gov. Paul LePage has ordered the removal of a 36-foot mural depicting Maine’s labor history from the lobby of the Department of Labor. Worker advocates described the move as a ‘mean-spirited’ provocation amid the administration’s high-tension standoff with unions.” LePage is the new GOP/Tea Party governor who squeaked into office with 38% of the vote. And, like Scott Walker and another dozen Kochsuckers waging class war against American Workers from the statehouses, LePage is trying to break up what’s left of the unions and push everybody down to poverty just like his corporate backers want. No rights for workers, and to hell with anyone who complains — unless by “anyone” you mean “a billionaire industrialist who writes nice fat checks, for liberty libertarians.”

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Timmy P destroys the American Dream

As governor of Minnesota, Tim Pawlenty did something highly suspect: He promoted minority homeownership. “But owning your home is a white-people thing,” you say? Yes, but Tim Pawlenty hates your America. And he even let MUSLIMS own homes, allowing a company to provide mortgages to Muslims that were structured so as to avoid charging interest, which many Muslims view as a violation of their religion. Thankfully for Pawlenty’s presidential hopes, however, he shut down this company as soon as he heard it was Muslim, and that is the reason why you weren’t forced to pray to SHARIA this morning and put SHARIA in your oatmeal and make sure your SHARIA made it to their school bus on time. Fortunately, only three Muslims were using this mortgage company when Pawlenty went Crusades on its ass, so the Sharia wasn’t able to turn Minnesota too evil/brown. We can only hope that those three people were thrown out of their homes and have left this hostile country in anger, because creating angry Muslim foreigners is exactly what America needs. Terrorism brings us together!

My Favorite Politician

Asides from giggling everytime I say his name, I really think this guy is great.

What can we do to make this man our next baby-killing, Jesus hating, SociCommie? President? He is simply full of WIN!

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Joe Biden wants to impeach the President?

Here’s funnyman Joe Biden talking about how he’s going to impeach the president for starting some random war against a Muslim nation that isn’t doing anything to us … oh wait, he’s talking about a previous president. 

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Welcome to Texas!

Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can’t afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas! You know, where you were born and raised! It’s too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you’ll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you’ll be forced into stripping at some grim joint near the airport, it’s the only thing that pays better than WalMart.

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In lieu of flowers....

After losing the meeting with his appointed death panel (cancer), a brave Houston man speaks out from beyond the grave to stop Barry Hussein.

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Why you gotta be such a**holes?

Everybody suffers in their own way, okay? Don’t judge! Sometimes when somebody loves a fish in a very special way, that person is unhappy when the fish can’t be shipped from Japan, on the other side of the world. Isn’t Israel next to a sea? What the hell, people, eat the fish you’ve got right there. Also, Israel? This makes you look like assholes, again. Perception is reality, etc., right?

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Sharia Law Saves the Day!

That CIA dude who shot those Muslims dead in Pakistan has been released! Yay. How did he do it? By following Sharia Law. Apparently, you just give the relatives of the people you killed a shitload of (U.S. taxpayer) money and bam, you’re free (to kill again, for America).

How much does it cost, if you’re a CIA assassin held in a Pakistan prison for killing some Pakistanis? 5 Goats, 3 Magic Carpets, 4 Vats of Acid, and 1 Genie Lamp. $2.3 million.

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Service with a "Smile" Why shopping for a car is no longer fun

Failed GOP Congresspervman Tom Ganley allegedly attacked a woman from Cleveland and stuck his hands down her pants after she refused his sexual advances, at a car dealership, where she was having her car serviced. During his campaign against Congresswoman Betty Sutton, Ganley redundantly described the sex-crime allegations against him as “lies, slander and false” and then helpfully explained that his victim was a Democrat, even though she’s a teabagger he met at a Tea Party rally. And then he threatened to sue his opponent when even more women came forward claiming that Ganley committed sex terribleness against them. Wow. So this happens, in America? You take your shitty Chevrolet to the dealer and the “millionaire owner” tries to rape you? Just because you met him before at a, uhh, Tea Party rally? We have heard all about being fucked by the dealership’s service department but this is a whole new level of pig. How did this guy not win his election and become the House Majority Leader? Oh yeah, and Mr. Tea Party Capitalist sold 874 cars through Obama’s socialist Cash For Clunkers federal welfare-to-car-dealerships program.

Hate Obama/Liberal programs but do everything you can to take advantage of them. The true Tea-Party GOP way!

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Hot new trend in The City of Angels

In the Los Angeles City Attorney’s office, for example, about a hundred actual qualified lawyers have worked in the “reserve” program, meaning that they work full-time and prosecute cases and shuffle papers for 10 hours a day like any paid city attorney, minus the “pay” part. Anyway, it’s a hot new trend, having degreed professionals work full-time without any pay at all. Because there are no jobs! And the governments are all broke, because the billionaires and millionaires don’t pay any taxes. No wonder rich people love America so much.

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World Powers deeply concerned for Libyians

Gadhafi has tens of billions of dollars stashed all over Tripoli, according to anonymous “American intelligence officials” who probably just pulled that estimate out of their ass. So despite an international freeze on all of Gadhafi’s assets, The Crazy Colonel could still easily bankroll his mercenary army for 1,000 years, unless of course NATO reluctantly intervenes and saves all that delicious oil, reluctantly. Meanwhile, NATO defense ministers are meeting today to discuss the possibility of implementing a no-fly zone over Libya, and other “international responses” to this civil war. France has already recognized Libya’s rebel leadership, and Obama says he will wait for “European and Arab support” before we invade — what a gentleman! When NATO does eventually intervene, it will be for “humanitarian purposes,” just like when the Concerned World Powers invaded Sudan and stopped the ongoing genocide in Darfur! Haha.

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We don't tourture...Remember?

Guess who turned out to be the biggest asshole in the world? Your boyfriend, Barack Obama. The latest outrage in the Bradley Manning situation involves Obama’s direct involvement in the firing of State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley — because Crowley committed the sin of condemning the torture and abuse of U.S. Army Private Bradley Manning. Anyway, Crowley’s semi-public remarks led to a reporter finally asking Obama about Manning’s awful treatment at Quantico, and Obama sneered and said the insane abuse of this American citizen is “appropriate.” And then Crowley was fired.

They are only Terrorists if they are Mooslin...DUH!

If you are not wasting American Taxpayer money on torturing people in Cuba you might as well waste it on trials accusing terrorists  Muslims of  being terrorists Muslims right?

The Irish Republican Army made Peter King’s nipples hard, back in 1980. According to the New York Times, King once said, “If civilians are killed in an attack on a military installation, it is certainly regrettable, but I will not morally blame the I.R.A. for it.” Yeah, only Muslims kill civilians, right Peter? That’s why you need hearings?


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Cuba ready to Rock and Roll!

Remember how your fake-liberal boyfriend Barack Obama was going to close down the international torture-prisons (IToP?) the United States operates  in Cuba all over the world, starting with the evil-ass Gitmo? Ha ha, just kidding! The Obama Administration will start military tribunal kangaroo court torture executions at Guantanamo again, because why not? (It’s “Political Reality,” ha ha.)

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Simply put 90% of Americans get nothing

In this ridiculous country, it’s “class warfare” when working people would like a fair wage and health insurance, but it’s “Morning in America” when the top 1% have harvested nearly every dollar of financial gain in this country for the past 30 years. Corporate taxes have dropped as quickly as CEO salaries and bonuses have risen, and we’re all supposed to “take one for the team” while Wall Street criminals make up new ways to earn billion-dollar bonuses while you get to spend a couple of months arguing with your insurance company (if you’re “lucky enough” to have health care coverage) over whether your kid’s concussion or dad’s cancer is something that might be covered. Mother Jones put together what is possibly the most useful Mother Jones feature ever: A simple collection of visual charts and diagrams to easily explain exactly what the Reagan/Bush/Clinton/Bush Jr./Obama Republican/Democrat governments have done to this country. 


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Boo Hoo baby got the Cancer?

Poor little rich boy David Koch is super sad about how the mean poor/working people are upset because he’s funding and directing the destruction of government unions nationwide. This makes him feel bad! And even though the deeply secretive David Koch never does an interview, the New York Times somehow managed to get him to speak, on the occasion of David Koch being honored for giving millions of dollars to a cancer research center, because he has cancer and wants to cure his own cancer, even though he owns an evil forestry empire that insists formaldehyde (a carcinogen) is not a carcinogen. See, when poor people get cancer, it’s because they suck. And when rich people who exploit nature and humanity get cancer, it’s time to send $100 million to some little people who can maybe take care of the problem.

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Tacky Wackjob prolly gonna be your GOP candidate

Nine percent of those polled had a “very positive” opinion of The Donald, while seventeen percent were “somewhat positive” about having this reality teevee joke run for president, for a combined total of twenty-six percent. If Donald Trump and Sarah Palin run for the Republican nomination, MTV gets to televise the debates — moderated by Charlie Sheen — as specified in the U.S. Constitution. Also: Why does America hate itself? 

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Finally the US Army Honors its own!

Devious Lady GaGa CD-RW terrorist Bradley Manning was charged yesterday with “aiding the enemy,” which is punishable by death. (Hillary Clinton will sit on him until he dies.) In the meantime, the Army has decided that Bradley Manning needs to take off his clothes and then stand around naked in his prison cell for hours, all sexy-like. Why would the Army people force Brad to do this? There’s a perfectly logical explanation, according to a Marine spokesman: “It would be inappropriate for me to explain it … I can confirm that it did happen, but I can’t explain it to you without violating the detainee’s privacy.”

It is about time we stopped outsourcing our degradation of human beings and brought it home to the USA like its supposed to be!

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Old people are cute!

Let's face it, old people are disproportionately Republican and old, a high percentage of those currently planning on voting that black man out of office will be dead before they get the chance. But they are not powerless! They can make sure their final decisions on this Earth are motivated by their favorite emotion, hate, and the object of their hate, the president of the United States. Yes, many dead people are now asking in their obituaries that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to candidates who oppose Barack Obama. Our nation’s dead people are ANGRY and are not above making their funerals political. Death is a time for reflecting on WHERE IS THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE? 


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Democrats p***y out again...

The Senate is expected to vote today on a bill that would extend funding for the federal government for two additional weeks while also cutting four billion clams from current spending levels. Senate Democrats are “conceding defeat this time,” but vow to say mean things about John Boehner before voting on a similar bill two weeks from now.

Remember that time when the Democrats took over Washington we all thought everything was going to be different?  Ya me either, my memory is not what it used to be.
 
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