Obama isn't Kenyan! He is a Somali Pirate!!!

Shocking new photographs from Barack Obama’s African Past reveal that he was actually a Somali pirate in Hawaii during his youth, the feared “Child Scallywag of Honolulu.” Here, pictured with Liz Phair in the early 1960s or 70s (who the hell knows with this guy), the dread pirate O’bamar prepares to raid a Libya British crown colony and then head off to the Indonesian pirate lair of “Singapore” to live under the Socialist doctrine of rum, and sodomy. And even now that he’s “all growed up,” Barack Obama continues to welcome the various Pirate Kings to his mansion in Washington, where the terrible skull ‘n crossbones continues to fly beneath the disguise of “Old Glory.”

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Get Poked by Barack Obama

Do you love to combine time-wasting, ineffectual things? Then you won’t want to miss today’s Barack Obama campaign appearance/”Town Hall Meeting” on Facebook. Wow, that is the Holy American Trinity of useless computer things, right there. Don’t forget to sign up! Maybe Barack will “friend you back.” (Not really.)

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Caught on Tape!!!!

UH OH! President Obama had his first fundraiser of the season in Chicago last night, and after his remarks, a microphone that was left on caught the socialist conversing candidly with donors. What did he say? He made fun of John Boehner and Paul Ryan for being terrible, basically. On Paul Ryan: “this is the same guy that voted for two wars that were unpaid for, voted for the Bush tax cuts that were unpaid for, voted for the prescription drug bill that cost as much as my health care bill — but wasn’t paid for. So it’s not on the level. And we’ve got to keep on you know, keep on shining a light on that.” Haha, he burnt. But when has Obama ever “shined a light on this”? He hasn’t. Why doesn’t he ever criticize Republican lawmakers in public like this?

On talks with Boehner:

“And I said to them, let me tell you something: ‘I spent a year and a half getting health care passed. I had to take that issue across the country and I paid significant political costs to get it done. The notion that I’m going to let you guys undo that in a 6 month spending bill?’ I said, ‘You want to repeal health care? Go at it. We’ll have that debate. You’re not going to be able to do that by nickel-and-diming me in the budget. You think we’re stupid?’”

Why? Why does he have to pretend he thinks these people are good lawmakers? He looks like a disingenuous wimp to voters, not a post-partisan messiah. Perhaps Obama purposefully left the mic on because he didn’t want to be seen publicly taking an actual position on the awful hypocrites he, admittedly, has to work with (not that he’s not himself an awful hypocrite). Or he wanted to say this stuff about Ryan and Boehner but knew the only way to get real media attention, even for the president of the United States, is to be “caught on tape!!!!!!!” or say something crazy about birth certificates. See the president can be interesting sometimes! He doesn’t need to be nice all the time to people he loathes! He’s actually pretty good at shitting on people! He should leave his mic on all the time, until the media catches on that these aren’t mistakes, at which point he can get media attention by saying them whilst pulling his dick out and swinging it around. We’re sure Lyndon Johnson’s used that one before.This story about him shitting on people thankfully takes attention from the boring speech he made. He actually said, “Yes We Can.” Again. Even though half his presidency to this point has been “No We Can’t, Sorry.”

Budget Compromise Reached: No Money for the Commie Trees

Barack Obama and his new boyfriend barf-face John Boehner finally sat down and “hammered things out,” budget-wise, and sexually, too. What sort of horrendous pork barrel spending did they trim from the budget, in a jolly, bipartisan fashion? The proposed $38 billion in cuts includes a $1.6 billion reduction for the Environmental Protection Agency (sixteen percent of its budget), and Pell grants have been cut entirely for poor people who have the audacity to attend summer school. (Who needs the EPA or “an education” anyway, especially now that the entire world is radioactive?) Liberal things like NPR and the AmeriCorps public service program will still receive funding, so that’s some sort of Big Victory for communism, I guess? Most importantly though is that the legislation “includes a Republican ‘rider’ barring Washington, D.C., from spending local tax money to provide abortions to poor women.” Thank God! It’s about time someone addressed the #1 reason why we have a deficit, “welfare queens in D.C. gettin’ free abortions for fun."

Happy Happy 55th Birthday Michele Bachmann!!!

Suburban Minnesota monster Michele Bachmann is celebrating her 55th birthday today, probably by playing “pin the gun on the Kenyan.” When the certifiably insane foster-baby farmer won her congressional district seat back in 2006 (the “Year of the Democrats,” haha), who knew that she was less a clownish anomaly than the actual future of the Republican party. Who knew that this proudly ignorant, lie-spouting duckface would soon come to represent the entirety of Republican thought?

In the days before Michele Bachmann, Republicans used to have to pretend to “follow the issues” and “engage in semi-logical debate,” even as they were pursuing their two primary goals of a) shoveling money and federal largess to the super-rich and b) hypocritically engaging in sex-crime trials against abortion and blowjobs even as they all schtupped “Young Republican” intern boys under their desks.

Michele changed all that. No longer would Republicans have to even pretend to know history or understand budgets or even be able to read the basic notes staffers prepared before another Fox News appearance. Just say whatever, and look crazily at something way off in the distance, and repeatedly call the president a spooky African. Winning the future!

So who is crazier? Liberals or Conservatives? Part Deux

The lunatic who attacked the Paul Gauguin masterpiece “Two Tahitian Women” screamed about her hatred of lesbians as she impotently pounded on the clear plastic cover protecting the post-impressionist portrait of a pair of topless Maori gals. The suspect, 53-year-old Susan Burns, screamed “This is very homosexual!” as she attacked the painting on exhibit at Washington’s National Gallery of Art. And then she claimed she has a radio in her head and works for the CIA.

Not lookin good conservatives

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So who is crazier? Liberals or Conservatives?

A former Baltimore cop, carpet installer and wingnut host of some web-only thing called “Liberty Works Radio Network” has been arrested for the shooting murder of his next-door neighbor, because the neighbor’s dog allegedly wouldn’t stay in its own yard. Charles “Pete” Richter (?), a 66-year-old ex-cop and failed candidate for Queen Anne’s County sheriff known for painting swastikas on the cars of his political opponents, is accused of killing his neighbor on Maryland’s Kent Island. Because of the dog.

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Jesus wanted his apostles to become GOP politicians...well DUH!

“Jesus’ entire discipleship program with his apostles was an academy designed to prepare them for service in the political arena.” Oh, right, of course, Bryan Fischer. Christianity is really nothing more than one bearded guy’s boutique political consulting/candidate training shop. “I will wash your feet, then you go forth and wash the feet of wealthy campaign bundlers and make sure they bring in the big bucks so you can make a large media buy,” said Christ to the disciples. Bryan Fischer knows Jesus wanted Christians to be politicians. But he didn’t want just any kind of politicians; he wanted politicians that cut social programs for poor people. Yep, that sounds like Jesus.

Link to the biggest idiot in America today, that is until Mrs. America Palin decides to open her mouth.

"Saftey" Bonus for Top Executives...makes total sense

Let’s begin with the “funny” news: Transocean awarded its top executives with six figure bonuses, because under their shining leadership the company experienced its “best year in safety performance.” Yes, “safety bonuses” for the executives in charge of the oil rig that exploded and then spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the ocean, killing eleven people, all the baby dolphins and everything else that lives in/near the Gulf. Ha-ha, it’s good to be an executive, and receive bonus-bribes and hookers so that you will never be tempted to cooperate with the authorities — which is very unlikely to begin with, since you have no soul. Anyway! BP has tentative plans to resume drilling in the Gulf, the end.

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