Tea Party Thinks it is ok to Bully Gay Kids

There are only a handful of fairly uncontroversial statements you can make these days, stuff like, “the image of Al Gore making out with someone is gross” and “cancer should have a cure” and “the cruel treatment of children is awful.” Oh wait, except the last one, if you are full of rat testicles like Tea Party Nation leader Rich Swier, who says, hey everyone, God made this thing called “peer pressure” to keep kids in line, and those vicious teenagers who beat up on the gay kids? That’s just “peer pressure” at work keeping kids from acting gay. Hear that, parents? Peer pressure might be responsible for your teenager using drugs and alcohol, stealing, getting pregnant and making the wardrobe choices that no one can understand, but at least it is dissuading your child from acting all homo.

I hope that pictures of this guy and is rent-boy come out soon, I promise I will blow it up and frame it over my fireplace.

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Violence A-Okay, Boobies? Ehhhhhhh Not So Much

Your Supreme Court has been hard at work striking down a California law banning the sale of violent video games to children, because Free Speech. Hurray for the First Amendment! Children still may not buy the nudie magazines, GOD FORBID, but it is their First Amendment right to blow up, mow down, run over, dismember, stab or sexually assault an imaginary human being on a TV screen, for freedom.
In a 7-2 ruling, the justices deemed that violent video games “communicate ideas” like plays, books and movies (but not porn movies, their crappy plots do not count), and thus deserve protection. Okay, sure. Whatever. We do not hate violent video games or really even care about them, but there is a certain amount of irony in the idea that America is allowed to protect the kiddies from the scourge of bare boobies and not from extremely violent images.

Glen Beck Can't Find Love Anywhere

Ex-television clown Glenn Beck just wanted to go to a government-run socialist park to watch a free movie on the lawn with other liberal New Yorkers at Bryant Park, but apparently New Yorkers somehow found out that Glenn Beck is a fear-mongering fanatic who thinks the entire American Government should be destroyed, and that all poor people and sick people should die in the streets, which also shouldn’t exist because of No Government. And the New Yorkers ridiculed him, because he’s a hateful asshole, and now he is sad about this. Why won’t everyone love this race-baiting psychopath?
Gothamist reports:

“All I wanted to do is go out on a blanket with my family and have dinner in the afternoon sun and sit around.” While in theory this is a completely reasonable request, it seems a tad disconnected from reality, which shouldn’t surprise anyone. Beck said on his morning radio show that from the moment he arrived, the vibe was “hostile,” and that someone apparently kicked a glass of wine (which they shouldn’t have had!) over on his wife’s back. When she got up to use the restroom, someone pointed at her and supposedly shouted, “We hate conservatives here!”

Ha ha, idiot. If this was Soviet Russia, which Beck often seems to claim is exactly what America is, Glenn Beck would’ve been executed by firing squad and all the video recordings of his dumb TV show would’ve been erased from history or YouTube or whatever.

House Finds Time to Blame Obama...Just Easier to Blame the Brown Guy Isn't it?

Ruh-roh, House lawmakers have found time in their busy day avoiding debt talks to scold Obama for sending a few shiny war toys over to Libya, where NATO is still busy bombing Dictator Death for whatever reason that makes him worse than the guy killing all the Syrians. Oil, probably? Yeah, so quit doing that, you’re wasting all our money, the House cried to Obama by a vote of 295-123. It’s been too long (3 months), and you’ve spent all this money ($716 million)! And what’s your problem with dictators, anyway? The Libyans didn’t ask you to come over and help them install a democracy might have asked you to help them overthrow their murderous dictator and his horrible sons to establish a democracy, but whatever, they are not freedom-loving Muslims they’re freedom-loving Muslims that House lawmakers don’t care about.
Here is something about the Iraq war: it cost over $3 trillion. The U.S. deficit hovers just under $15 trillion, so you might say, if you liked math, that this is the equivalent of somewhere around one-fifth of the current U.S. debt!
From McClatchy:

They were thwarted by an unusual combination of anti-war Democrats, as well as most Republicans, who argued that the three-month old mission has become too murky and too costly. 70 Democrats joined 225 Republicans to vote against the measure.

Haha, “too murky and too costly.” Is that possibly the most cynical thing any lawmaker could ever surmise about the Libyan conflict if that lawmaker also voted for the Iraq war? No, probably you would have to add in some glib comments about how it is not the job of the United States to fight someone’s battle for democracy, or whatever. Meanwhile, almost half of the world’s conflict refugees are people who have been displaced by American wars

Holy Hypocrites!

Ever since the nation’s poorest, most obese and reliably Republican-voting state got Internet access last year, the main thing the people of Mississippi have been looking for, on the ‘puter, is “free gay porn” and “God.” In that order.  Florida, as you can see and as can be expected, surpassed Mississippi in overall searches-by-state for Free Gay Porn, but failed to top Haley Barbour’s state in the essential “post-jacking off” search for God. (In Florida, that secondary search is “Kill Castro.”) This website called Calamities of Nature produced a wonderful chart that everybody should hang up on the wall in Mississippi, based on Google search data. Who knew Google was keeping tabs on everything anybody did, anywhere? Oh wait, we already knew that.

**Notable Gay loving California was at the bottom (no pun intended).

Obama's Latest Speech

Remember when Barack Obama was all, “And I will stop having all these wars everywhere”? No? Lately, people have been telling us that he never said anything of the sort, which is kind of funny, haha, because we all believed that was his intention, right? I don’t have five whole minutes to go read Wikipedia about it, but now that Obama has been president for almost twelve years three years, I do sort of remember that he just used to go around and smirk thoughtfully at Hillary and say “Iraq is a dumb war.” But he didn’t really say he would end wars, and really all wars are dumb, except for the defense contractors and the oil companies and hedge funds that get to go “privatize” everything when the war is over, in five-thousand years

Crops Rotting in Georgia b/c the State is Run by Idiots

WHOOPS: Georgia’s legal promise to crucify any illegal immigrants it could get its hands on did, in fact, have the intended effect of scaring away the state’s undocumented workers. So, lo and behold, there are no workers left to harvest all of the state’s crops. Is America ready for forced labor again? Maybe this will solve the obesity epidemic? Georgia farmers are currently 11,000 workers short, and a failure to fill the ranks will cripple the state agricultural industry. Haha, there will be no food, this will solve the obesity problem, too! The state has been trying to encourage some of the state’s unemployed probationers to join chain gangs harvest crews before ALL the crops rot in the fields, but probationers have not so far worked as quickly or as hard as the space aliens do with their magical powers.

Palin Quits Again!

Probably NO HUMAN ON EARTH SAW THIS COMING but just as God or common sense or Mohammed long ago wrote in stone that which must come to pass, Sarah Palin has decided to quit her dumb summer vacation RV road trip before it was finished. Quick and pointless and halfway through, like all of Sarah Palin’s activities that are not giving birth. Oh well, I sort of forgot it was even happening? Way to go, Lamestream Media, you failed to remind us for an entire week about Palin’s existence. Was that why I was feeling mysteriously better about life? The last post about the tour on the SarahPAC website is from June 8, so it took someone from the media two whole weeks to notice she wasn’t even blogging about her wild adventures talking to old white people anymore. Haha, it is stuck on that day because Sarah Palin is still reliving it, the day she got to steal all the media attention from the Rolling Thunder bikers conducting their annual rally to promote veterans issues, because stealing attention from the issues affecting actual hard-working and struggling Americans is what she does best. After hinting early on that she would also travel to Iowa and South Carolina to terrorize motorists along those lucky highways, the Palins headed back to Alaska before getting that far.

Drunk and Repubilcan? There is Medical Reason for that

Here is an important safety tip, America: do not leave your unlocked car parked in the driveway with the keys in the ignition, because sooner or later a black-out drunk GOP senator will climb into your vehicle and drive it away. Idaho Senate Republican Caucus Chairman John McGee is that senator, currently free on bail after stealing a man’s SUV in Boise and crashing it in the neighbor’s yard while he had a blood alcohol level nearly twice the state limit. McGee’s lawyer is telling everyone that there are good “medical explanations” for McGee’s bizarre behavior, which sounds like someone describing a gambling problem as “a helpful fixation with mathematical odds analysis.”

We should encourage lawmakers to stick to tweeting naked pictures of their genitals, so at least they don’t kill anybody in their free time.

Jon Huntsman Running for President! (Wait Who?)

Jon Huntsman is in! For what? Who is he? Is he Tim Pawlenty 2.0? No, he is the Chinese guy running for president. He’s not Chinese? He is Mormon. So he is Mitt Romney the Sequel? Huntsman formally declared his candidacy today in the liberal Mecca of New York City, because the socialist French statue is there, which makes a good GOP campaign announcement backdrop. Huntsman is Obama’s former ambassador to China, a job reference he may want to leave off his resume when he hands it to the Republican voters. “Chinese ambassador” sounds an awful lot like “Kenyan Muslim” if you have no idea where China or Kenya are on a map, which is a lot of Americans.

The Koch Brothers want You....to work till you die

Why, exactly, should we raise the retirement age? Who benefits from that? Certainly not people, now being told that they’ll have to toil until death after all, just like the slaves and serfs of the cruel past. And why should the elderly now have to work to the grave? Because the Koch Brothers were born into $300 million fortunes and they’ve exploited hundreds of thousands of laborers and the natural resources of America to make that $300 million into billions, and they don’t want to pay any taxes on that, because they are evil. Here’s a link to a quick video that’s not too lulzy but might be just what your brainwashed grandparents need to receive in their AOL mail.

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Barry O Finally gots the Twitter

Barry Obama from the Block finally got around to installing the Twitter application on his Blackberry this weekend, probably after John Boehner mocked him at their Golf Summit for running around without it. The president’s account to date has been filled with dry robot White House staffer tweets that made Chuck Grassley’s Twitter feed look like a Saturday night key party in 1976. Can you spice it up, hip Obamar? No, is the answer. “Being President is not as hard as being a father” was his first tweet. Nice one, most boring person on Twitter ever. I'm glad “The President” can let everyone out there who is a parent know that it is harder than running the world. Could I have that job leading Earth, then? Obama also apparently likes that job better than being President, which, now my feelings are sort of hurt?


Let's hope he doesn't send out any pics of his prick. Speaking of pricks follow me on Twitter @manish21

Wiener (lulz) Resigns from Congress

Before I continue with my post, I will honestly say I am not okay with Wiener resigning, he was truly one of the best politicians in the House. Entertaining, Smart, and genuinely seemed to care about what happened in his district. I really think he should run in the special election and make his way back, and I think he will. Now on to the HA-HAs.

How things have changed in our dumb world! Just a few years ago, Mark Foley was at the intersection of technology and jerking off. Do you know what Foley used to seduce his younglings? Some ancient technology called “AOL Instant Messenger.” Does anyone even know what that is? I am guessing these are the same people that probably use "Bing" to search, losers.  Also, Mark Foley resigned pretty much as soon as he was caught. And, you know, Foley was actually a closeted gay who was sort of known as being gay and wasn’t that big of a jerk, as a human. What I mean is, for all the mockery directed at Mark Foley and his AIM chats with younger gentlemens, he didn’t lie to the whole Earth for a month and bring immense shame to a wife and unborn child.

Weiner (hehehehe) Should Pray to the REAL GOD!

Important fundamentalist Baptist official Albert Mohler has some unsolicited advice for Anthony Weiner: Why not worship the real god, Jesus, instead of that Jew god you claim to love so much. It’s a good point! Fundamentalist Christian guys almost never send Twitter pictures of their genitals to women, because most fundamentalist Christian men are homosexuals. But would “switching sides” from Jew to Christian somehow make Weiner become homosexual, too? Experts are torn, the way a Baptist leader is torn between loving his fat wife or loving that smooth young Puerto Rican boy down at the beach resort. Also, did you know Anthony Weiner might be a secret Muslim? This is FACT spread the word!

Another Palin Quits

Professional quitters the Palin clan are working on their resume again: Bristol Palin is moving out of her Phoenix narcomansion only six months after she paid $172,000 in cash for it. She’s renting it out for $1,400 a month so that YOU TOO can wake up each day in the angry meth wonderland suburbs of Phoenix, Arizona with missing teeth wondering where your life went wrong. Why is Bristol abandoning this poorly landscaped foreclosure paradise? She is supposedly moving to LA (YAAY ME!) for her new reality show about how hard it is to have roommates and wake up in the morning and go to work, which is something many of us would like to monetize in today’s economy. 

FLOTUS Taking on the FATSOS

America is full of fat children, and fat adults. This we know. But did you also know that America has many fat babies? It is more difficult to spot them, sandwiched between all the aforementioned full-grown fat people, but that doesn’t mean that Michelle Obama hasn’t noticed these sneaky, milk-guzzling fatsos. And since our FLOTUS is not one to sit idly by while Americans gorge themselves, she has decided to combat this baby fat problem and put a stop to it before it spirals out of control. In America, privileged babies exit the womb and are immediately put into the loving arms of a full-time non-relative caregiver, perhaps an illegal Colombian, who nurtures them and takes them to Montessori school when the time is right. The less fortunate babies are sent to live at day care, where they mix with other babies and do things like the "Dougie" bunny hop .

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Let's Get'em While they is Young

America’s children are not overwhelmingly aware of the dangers of our Kenyan overlord and all the Socialists he has in place. This is unacceptable according to the Tampa Liberty School, a 5-day summer camp designed to wash the political correctness out of children’s tender, pre-liberal minds. There, kids will learn about Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton, the Federalist Papers, the schools of constitutional interpretation and Enlightenment contexts for the American Revolution. HAHA Just kidding! They will learn that socialism is evil, paper currency is as good as toilet paper, you should invest in a Glen Beck Mutual Fund gold and that freedom means cleaning up the giant mess you made all over the floor. It is a helpful coincidence that these lessons are designed for third grade level learning since the class projects are created with about the third grade level understanding of American history known to so many of our beloved Tea Party Patriots.

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Yee-Haw God finally taking over as Gubernor of Texas

Texas Governor Rick Perry has declared he can’t solve the state’s problems, so from now on official government policy is “pray, everybody.” Perry is holding a day of fasting and prayer called “The Response” at a sports stadium in Houston on August 6th, which everyone can now consider the “effective date” for God’s taking over of Texas affairs. “Some problems are beyond our power to solve,” Perry said, which includes the state debt, unemployment, public health, disaster response, and, uh, teen pregnancy. Prayer will now be in charge of these things. If anyone has a problem with how these things are going, they can phone God and ask “what the hell,” because Rick Perry will no longer be responsible.

I don't trust the Ocean either

Ocean treasure hunter Bill Warren does not trust sketchy terrorist lover Nobama to admit on his own that Osama bin Laden is not dead, so Warren will go visit the North Arabian Sea to search for Osama’s body, to prove once and for all it does not exist. Warren will even take a documentary crew with him, to help declare the ocean Osama-free with hours of footage of nothing. The North Arabian Sea floor is your new Hawaii Department of Health: RELEASE THE CERTIFICATE BODY. Why is the ocean protecting Obama?